I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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