i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
