i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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