It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
