Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
