Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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