My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The beers last night were like the tears from god
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
