When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
