Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
