You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
