lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
