So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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