I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
