You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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