Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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