I'm gonna have a badass scar
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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