Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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