do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
