Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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