Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
