im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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