I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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