if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Two words: nipple clamps
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