Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
