omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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