This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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