When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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