Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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