I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
