the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
