I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
