We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
