just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
