I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
