I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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