the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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