grandma shit on top of the toilet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
