I will die if light touches me.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
