$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
