What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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