I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
