i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
