i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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