the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
