i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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