OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
