If that was your dad, he is hot
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
