yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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