Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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