Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
