umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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