My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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